I’m feeling particularly vulnerable lately, so I decided to
write out my thoughts at this moment. I’ve spent a good deal of time alone the
past year and a half, and by that I mean, I’ve literally spent a lot of time
just being by myself, with myself, alone with my thoughts. It used to make me
really uncomfortable to be alone, I would get lonely and feel like I needed to
be doing something with someone or I wasn’t valuable as a human. I don’t know
where that came from, probably insecurities stemming from low self-esteem as a
child and adult, but being alone wasn’t my thing until recently. I’ve always
been an introvert, but now rather than being embarrassed by it, I value that
time alone, I need it, I learn from it. And at the same time, sometimes I do
feel true loneliness.
I took my first solo camping trip last week. It was lovely,
and beautiful, and I truly enjoyed it, but there were moments when I thought, “I
really wish so-and-so were here”, or “this reminds me of this person, man, I
wish they were here to experience this with me” and so on. I decided a few
years ago that I wasn’t going to allow myself to miss out on doing things I wanted
to do because people couldn’t go with me, and it has been empowering to live
that decision, but my soul still longs for company, even if just to have
another human around, not even saying anything. I was having lunch with a dear
friend last week and she mentioned how she was sometimes envious of my
adventures, but she realized that “the grass is always greener” as well, and we
talked about it. As my time to bear children diminishes each year, I am acutely
aware of my lack of family, always thinking that someday I would have one.
Realizing that “someday” may never come has been something I have been silently
mourning. Sometimes, I wonder if I seek adventures and experiences because it’s
an escape from that mourning. I try not to think about it often, but it is
difficult to avoid when 95% of my friends have children and families and post
about them all of the time.
Does this post even have a point? I’m not sure, I just
thought I would write. Upon returning home from my camping trip, and from
nearly 9 months of constant travel with a few intermittent weeks at home, my
reality is hitting me hard. I see recent pictures of myself and look in the
mirror and see someone I don’t recognize: someone who is suddenly much older, overweight,
and exhausted; who has ideas and goals and ambitions but is too anxious, distracted,
frightened, and overwhelmed to accomplish them; someone who wants to truly live,
in concept, but in reality she is simply trying to survive; someone who
promotes loving yourself as you are, but who thinks she is too old, fat, and
washed up for anyone to love in her current state. I watched the Tony Awards on
TV and thought, “I could be up on that stage if I had fully committed myself,
but I didn’t, I’m a failure, and now it’s too late”.
I recently cleared out my storage unit and discarded a lot
of things, and brought the remaining boxes to my residence and stacked them in
my room. Pretty much everything I own is stacked all around me. It intimidates
me because I want to discard it, but I also don’t want to get rid of all of my
CDs, but then, how often do I ever use a physical CD anymore? The process of
doing this for everything I own wrinkles my brain, yet, I know that having less
stuff makes me feel better. On top of it all, I get interested in a lot of
hobbies, I want to paint, and learn to play the guitar, learn to rock climb, and
start performing again, but I have to do my taxes and pay the rent. And on top
of it all, I want to be social and make new friends and find love at some
point. But how do I do that when everything else seems so daunting? So, I sit
here writing this, having listened to a dozen motivational/self help audiobooks
and I know exactly what to do, but don’t do it. And instead, I’ll probably just
binge watch an entire season of Better Call Saul and eat chocolate.
This is the
current state of my life. While I suppose it sounds bleak, it’s not as though
there haven’t been moments of true joy, happiness, adventure, strength, friendship,
and meaning . . . there definitely have been wonderful moments, but, I want
more than moments. I want the feelings of overwhelming anxiety, doubt,
unworthiness, and inaction to be the “moments”, not the reality. I want those
other positive moments to become the reality. I know they can. But can I make
it happen? Do or do not, there is no try. Right on, Yoda. I think I can. That’s
what I’m gonna go with. That’s what I have to give right now. And that’s okay.
