“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you’ll be swept off to.” J.R.R. Tolkien
This is a pretty accurate description of my life, for better
or for worse, but unlike Frodo, I don’t have a door.
Right now, my life is a giant mess . . . and by giant mess,
I mean, a giant mess of apocalyptic proportions. I left NYC for several reasons, and while I feel
mostly at peace about it, there’s a part of me that feels like an epic failure.
To sum up, I’m currently homeless (storage unit, hotel, and good ole fashioned bumming off of parents) and I only have part-time contract
work that is totally unrelated to my college education. I am severely out of
shape and I weigh more than I ever have. I have a mountain of debt in student
and auto loans. I feel like an awkward teenager with my new braces, except that
I’m even more awkward because I’m over 30 and I have wrinkles and a muffin top.
I’m dealing with some residual issues from NYC that are literally plaguing me
every day. My music/theatre career is at a complete standstill and I don’t
remember the last time I actually sang (besides karaoke a month ago with my
friends Liz and Lucas, which was EPIC!). I have no romance to speak of in my
life. I haven’t had an actual relationship for years and I begin to lose hope
that romance is in the cards for me.
These circumstances have brought me to a place where I can’t
help but look at my life and wonder if there are any fruits, whether my life has any meaning. I don’t say that in a depressing way, but
more out of reflection. I don’t have the idyllic life with a career I love, a family, or a house with a white picket fence. By most definitions of success, I’m a complete failure . . . but lest you think this is the pity party of the century, make no mistake, all of this is absolutely my fault. I recognize that and take full responsibility for it.
And it's all about to change.
Let me be clear, while life is a complete disaster right
now, I’m sure as hell not going to let it dictate my future. I may be failing
at a lot of things I “should” be, but I feel more whole as a person
than I ever have in my life. I’m slowly but surely becoming more comfortable
with discovering my authentic self, whatever that is shaping up to be, rather
than trying to be what I’ve been told I should be. I feel an extraordinary
fragility along with an overwhelming sense of inspired freedom. So, even though
my life is a giant apocalyptic mess, I am embarking on a journey forward with
the mantra of learning to love what is and seeing the beauty in the potential.
On that note, expect to see changes from me in the coming
months. The first change is that I will be returning to Utah or Idaho soon
because the cost of living there vs NYC is more conducive to pursuing an entrepreneurial
idea I have. I also intend to do a lot more writing, singing, and working out,
and I invite you to join me on my journey while pursuing your own goals so that
we can continually inspire each other.
Life is hard, beautiful, ugly, strange, happy, confusing,
sad, and messy. It sucks more than anything some days and is completely
exhilarating others. Something that I can never say often enough is how happy I
am to have truly wonderful friends and family. I weep when I think of the
absolute love and kindness that has been shown to me. If I can ever pay that
forward in even its smallest measure, my life would be fulfilling, indeed. One
thing is sure, I’m happy to be alive. I am excited for the opportunity to
have this experience of endless possibilities and to continue to journey where
there is no knowing where I could be swept off to.
